Gorillas and rib kicking

Lately I have been reading an interesting book all about pop culture called Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low-Culture Manifesto by Chuck Klosterman. Some of you have probably read it or heard Kali talking about it. Klosterman is a writer for Spin and Esquire, and he writes about everything to do with post-modern America, from Pam Anderson to Saved by the Bell to The Real World.

Anyway, I am about half way through the book, and came upon a fascinating chapter. Klosterman writes 23 questions that he says he asks everyone he meets "in order to decide if [he] can really love them."

Here, I will offer up a few:

Genetic engineers at John Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called "super gorilla." Though the animal cannot speak. It has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, and an I.Q. of almost 85, and - most notably - a vague sense of self-awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes facinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at it's highest level and quickley develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be "borderline unblockable" and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays). Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent.
You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?

You meet a wizard in downtown Chicago. The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money. When you ask how this process works, the wizard points to a random person on the street. You look at this random stranger. The wizard says, “I will now make them a dollar more attractive.” He waves his magic wand. Ostensibly, this person does not change at all; as far as you can tell, nothing is different. But—somehow—this person is suddenly a little more appealing. The tangible difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can’t deny that this person is vaguely sexier. This wizard has a weird rule, though—you can only pay him once. You can’t keep giving him money until you’re satisfied. You can only pay him one lump sum up front. How much cash do you give the wizard?

Your best friend is taking on a nap on the floor of your living room. Suddenly, you are faced with a bizarre existential problem: This friend is going to die unless you kick them (as hard as you can) in the rib cage. If you don’t kick them while they slumber, they will never wake up. However you can never explain this to your friend; if you later inform them that you did this to save their life, they will also die from that. So you have to kick a sleeping friend in the ribs, and you can’t tell them why. Since you cannot tell your friend the truth, what excuse will you fabricate to explain this (seemingly inexplicable) attack?

Klosterman, Chuck. Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low-Culture Manifesto. New York: Scribner, 2003.