Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Pipebombs and Traffic Jams

Today, because of an appointment after school requiring me to get home earlier than my trusty commuter train allows, I had to drive to work. I cannot comprehend why anyone, when given the option of the comfort and ease of the commuter train, would choose to drive in commuter traffic in Chicago. Chicago is well known to have some of the worst traffic in the country, after all.

I consider myself to be a fairly easy-going, even-tempered fellow. I am also a pacifist who has never been in a fight. But today, all of that changed, as I came to truly understand road rage.

On my way to work today, the following events occurred:
  • I swore a lot.
  • I called people foul names.
  • I shot a guy with the small caliber pistol I keep in my glove compartment.
  • Using above-mentioned pistol, I shot out the tires of two SUVs.
  • I performed one of those maneuvers that you see on World's Wildest Police Chases, wherein I clipped the car in front of me because the driver was riding his brake. As I gently bumped my front right bumper into his back left fender, he spun off the road, lifted up over the guard rail, and plummeted into the Chicago River (North Branch).
  • I got out of my car during a stopped moment and placed a pipebomb in the tailpipe of a Chevy Malibu belonging to a young woman.

And as the morning commute is always much lighter than the dreadful afternoon commute, I wanted to be ready for the afternoon. I took time during the school day to meet up with one of my students, Timmy Bout (whose father has recently been in the news). Since Timmy's family is trying to get rid of some stuff, he pimped my Beetle on the cheap. He rigged me up with some Anzas and some FIM-92 Stingers which he mounted to the undercarriage. In addition, Timmy hooked me up with some CBU-94/B anti-electrical cluster bombs, which I can use to disable other cars on the highway. (Timmy knows, however, that this favor does not excuse him from his Huck Finn reading assignment tonight.)

Needless to say, my commute home was slow, but people soon learned to get out of my way.

I will be taking the train again starting tomorrow.


At 9:19 PM, Blogger scott w posited...

That sounds intense. I am glad you are well equipped to deal with the Chicago traffic. I would have never pinned you as the "making deals with the mafia" type of guy.

At 2:58 AM, Blogger carrotpreacher posited...

Hello, great blog, I noticed you had Underworld listed as one of your music favorites which leads me to believe that you like electronica. If you do, please read my latest post (in fact, read the last few to understand what my blog is about). I'm trying to get this music thing going grassroots style.

At 2:34 PM, Blogger Jim posited...

I fear the day I have to drive to work. The train is truly a life saver.

At 3:56 PM, Blogger Deemer posited...

I kinda had a similar experience this morning at the post office when I was told they no longer have tape to seal packages.

Our worthless dollar can no longer buy tape for post offices. Must have been a budget cut that I missed. Probably happened so we can pay for our 3 trillion dollar war.

Why isn't this a campaign issue?

At 5:01 PM, Blogger jb posited...



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