Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Youngest friend is also his most terrifying friend

One of my favorite websites is an online "literary" journal called McSweeney's. Every day, McSweeney's features a rotating batch of features, including "Lists," "McSweeney's Recommends," "Sestinas," "Open Letters," and several others. The entries are from public submissions, and are, on the whole, quite entertaining. McSweeney's is the brainchild of Dave Eggers, who wrote two excellent favorites of mine, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius and You Shall Know Our Velocity!

Some readers of my blog are regular readers of McSweeney's, and so for you, this is of no use. But for the rest of you, I have picked two old classic lists from McSweeney's to reprint here. Both deal with 80s music. Please enjoy.

Ways in Which She Could Have Blinded Me With Science.

By Jules Lipoff

- - - -

She exposed me to excessive ultraviolet radiation, which gave me terrible cataracts.

She removed all traces of vitamin A from my diet.

She launched well-targeted projectiles at my eyes, causing severe trauma.

She poisoned me repeatedly with steroids, which over time caused the formation of a pituitary tumor that pressed against my optic chiasm severing my optic-nerve pathways.

She replaced my contact-lens solution with corrosive acid.

She unleashed upon me lab rats trained to preferentially eat eyes.

She, my ophthalmologist, botched my Lasik surgery.

She exacerbated my diabetes by replacing my insulin with Frappuccino, which led to retinal problems.

She put me under general anesthesia and surgically removed my eyes.

She altered my parents' germ-cell chromosomes before my conception so that I lack the proper genetic code to distinguish the colors red and green.

She calibrated a refraction experiment with her laser pointer that scorched my retinas.


Possible Follow-Up Songs to One Hit Wonders

By John Moe

- - - -

How Are We Going to Get These Dogs Back In?

Bust an Additional Move

Seriously, Eileen, Come On

(Won't You Give Me a Ride Home From) Funkytown?

Remember When You Lit Up My Life? That Was Great

I Will Now Pass the Dutchie Back to You and Thank You for Passing It to Me Originally Because I Really Enjoyed the Dutchie

The Morning That the Lights Came Back On in Georgia

Everybody Was Kung Fu Making Up

Achier Breakier Heart

Whoomp! There It Continues to Be

867-5309 extension 2

We Never Took It and Persist in Our Refusal to Take It


At 11:22 PM, Blogger P "N" K posited...

Achier Breakier Heart

This song, along with that god-awful mullet, will be the entertainment medium which pushes the entire globe into the burning fires of hell.

At 8:37 AM, Blogger Kid C posited...

Yeah, if by "entire globe" you mean "Billy Ray Cyrus" and by "burning fires of hell" you mean "status of a God among men" then I agree wholeheartedly.

Billy Ray: Two Way Entertainment Threat. Have you guys seen "Doc" on the PAX Network? This guy is AMAZING!!

At 11:17 AM, Blogger pkizzle posited...

Oh its so easy to criticize isn't it Parker. But the thing is, Billy Ray Cyrus has done something none of us ever will. Write a song that is both catchy and heartfelt. In the words of Cyrus himself, ". . .I just don't think you'd understand."

At 11:55 AM, Blogger CoachDub posited...

"Billy Ray Cyrus has done something none of us ever will" -- These are the reasons I am grateful in my life.

At 5:39 PM, Blogger Johnny V posited...

Thank God I could never write a song that bad.

At 8:13 AM, Blogger Kid C posited...

I've concluded that PAX is the best television station for three reasons:

* Supermarket Sweep

* Doc

* Reruns of Diagnosis: Murder (the single greatest show to ever air, all apologies to "Breaking Bonaduce")


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